Thursday, May 21

Great Truths in Life

Great Truths in Life for Brothers and Sisters
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize the neighbors cats.
2.When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catchthe second person.
4. Never ask your 1-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8.You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10.Dirty socks is not a good place to hide cookies.
11.Don't hang anything on the ceiling fan ( legos will fly out of a sandbox pail and hurt you)
12. Never put your baby brother on the top bunk, even if he cries.
13. Gravity applies to baby brothers on the top bunk.
14. Frogs do not go in your pocket ...but if you forget they will live there for at least three days.
15. Never save pizza under your pillow to eat next week, mom will smell it.
16. You can swallow a quarter and get it back in three days, this also works for marbles and high-ho- cherrio pieces .
17. You can still spend quarters that have been in the toilet.
18.The school bus is not "magic " like on tv, and Ms. Frizz will not take you to the moon. Kindergarten teachers,and bus drivers will believe you If you say you ride THIS bus.
19.If you booby-trap your room for monsters, turn on the light BEFORE you get up at night to pee.
20. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Wrinkles don't hurt.
Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

The Four Stages Of Life
You believe in Santa Claus.
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
You are Santa Claus.
You look like Santa Claus.

What I have learned from my Children!
There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in acrowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearingpound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strongenough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a20x20 foot room.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,'it's already too late.
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearingbaseball shoes, it does not leak -- it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2001 All rights reserved. sqfoot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. Super glue is forever.
'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in thesame sentence.
Small pets and microwaves are a bad combination.
Tarzan can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Crayons do not remain solid when stored on a car's dashboard on a hot summer day.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello-O.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Never leave a toddler, a furry animal and a a pair of scissors alone in the same room.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, although TVcommercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. (That durn hamster!)
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Stay away from prunes.
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?"don't answer him.
Never bug a pregnant mom.
Never ask for anything that costs more than ten dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
You should never take a goldfish for a walk; even on a leash.
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

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